This is the moment I have been yearning for.

No stress, no thrills, just BE in the moment, to feel your very presence. Then it became clear to you how much you actually have, your wants, your desire, what matters and what doesn’t, which you have spent so much time and energy to crave, and the ridicule of it.

Why couldn’t I take my time to live every day?

Why couldn’t I stretch, be open to experiment whatever that is life-enriching?

Why couldn’t I create?

Why didn’t I feel like being myself anymore?

I took my time, to breathe, to contemplate, to just be in peace.

The answer is clear and I’ve always known it by heart.

No one can stop you from being you, but you yourself.

And what are you blaming? What are your excuses? I am talking to you.

As the weather in Paris changes from hour to hour, when it gets chilly and sooner than you realize, it’s all shine and bright and warm again.

I was on foot, I was on subway, I didn’t even try to explore the city just yet. Just by going from one point to another meeting up dear friends, I took my time to stay alone and feel. The reflection is crystal clear, as my mind meanders along yet another Parisian street.

Today IS the day. Not tomorrow, not yesterday. It has always been the very present. We’ve always known it, haven’t we?

28/9/2008  0:14:25  林猩猩
你未死？
28/9/2008  0:14:37  沙拉保鱔
我係火鳳凰
28/9/2008  0:14:50  沙拉保鱔
浴火重生
28/9/2008  0:16:10  林猩猩
當我無問過

28/9/2008  2:43:57  林猩猩
你係咪啤緊稿？
28/9/2008  2:44:03  沙拉保鱔
咩事
28/9/2008  2:44:40  林猩猩
無呀，關心你
28/9/2008  2:44:57  沙拉保鱔
你只想我死
28/9/2008  2:45:12  林猩猩
呀，你點知O架？
28/9/2008  2:45:13  沙拉保鱔
嚟，捽死我啦！
28/9/2008  2:45:28  林猩猩
你係咪轉行做憤青？
28/9/2008  2:45:42  沙拉保鱔
我係江青呀
28/9/2008  2:47:28  林猩猩
三聚青……安
28/9/2008  2:47:37  沙拉保鱔
唔得啦
28/9/2008  2:48:25  林猩猩
唔係，我想叫你即刻食150粒白免糖，咁你出左事就唔使寫稿

仆街，查實我喺公司fung緊機，當唱k。

記憶中唯一一次飲很多很多，多至到達涅槃狀態，那年我中六。

不停地隊大枝啤，隊了幾枝我都忘了，然後走出那間打冷，有中酒精毒的感覺，然後《有旺角卡門》的delay畫面。我說：「嘩，好勁呀，我王家衛呀……」但仍然清醒，好像看電視。

我很想再飲飲飲，飲至到達涅槃的境地，只是，不知何解，再沒有涅槃，只有很想瞓，然後到了一定程度後，知道到頂，就收手了。

物真的以類聚，我在想，現在感情上聯繫緊密的朋友，多數為singletons，又曰一條條溝唔到仔、女/冇仔、女溝嘅可憐蟲。

情感依歸，人人都想要，大家也曾撫心自問：「點算呢？都唔係辦法！」

我覺得自己收得比較快。那可以怎樣？

短期租約勞心勞力， 心血少，會感情破產，伐不來。

至於長期客戶……如果有就已經有，冇，亦唔會煲到有，不是嗎？

我們只能選擇和甚麼樣的人交朋友，但你遇上怎樣的人，又怎由得你控制？

（不要再提出「yahoo有緣人」或其他勞什子交友網站了。）

由千萬種內外在主客觀條件形成的，姑且叫現實，就是如此放在眼前，我覺得是不由你面對不面對、積極不積極的。那你可以怎樣？

半夜2點半，8號波，公司又剩我們3條友邊吹水邊等稿。

有線新聞台出現了一張未曾見過的面孔，第一感覺係好靚仔，主播名字叫楊德立。

楊德立。楊德立，楊德立…… 楊德立！

原來是體藝中學的中七文科生楊德立。

（首先我已經忘記了自己）中七時曾經到過體藝中學當交換生1星期，認識的一幫人現已完全地在我生活中消失。

當時常在一起的有幾個女生，印象深刻的卻是個畫得一手好畫的男生。

他呢，是那種不羈男同學的典型，基本上神出鬼沒，畫真的是好。

看他的鉛筆素描，筆風豪邁又秀氣，大方，顧全整體局勢，當時我未曾見過一個同輩的人畫得這麼好，就算在畫室都沒有。

畫如是，人亦應如是。高大，非常靚仔（這才是重點）。

認真的，我非常欣賞他的畫。可是到體藝上課7天，我見到他還不過3數次。

印象中，他表達能力一流，其他同學傾向信服，領導能力我不知道，但領袖魅力就明顯很強。

他好像信星座，當時我就覺得很奇怪，一個大男生在跟誰討論甚麼甚麼山羊水瓶月亮上昇一大堆的，認真地。現在想來，很稚氣。

當時體藝的高中美術老師叫Mr Blithe/ Blyth？，鬼樣但廣東話標準的佬，他已在教American Art，Lichenstein、De Kooning。他說，Jackson Pollock不讀Paul-lock，讀Paul-lick。這個可刻骨銘心，我到美國再讀American Art時才得以證實–好端端的，誰會談論Jackson Pollock？

Willem De Kooning

A Very bad image of Jackson Pollock

臨別前我跟楊德立交換了校章，好像還交換了ICQ。但好明顯我們根本沒有共同話題（難道要暢談畫畫心得嗎？），也不會主動溝通。

這些年，我完完全全，徹底地忘記了這個人。

到我google那名字，才記得年來零星update：

他後來沒修中大美術（曾戲言中大藝術系見），讀了哲學。

大學時當了學生報總編輯。

Google顯示，他得到了碩士學位，07年中大學生報情色版事件，他曾代表7大學系發表支援學生報的公開聲明。

現在中大校外進修學院的西方哲學史短期課程，由他任教，學費$1,200。

還有就是有線新聞台主播。網上論壇有他首次上鏡的截圖，但不比現在好看，也不比記憶中好看。

我在公司剩得半條人命打這篇blog，這個人就在有線直播室現場報新聞。(我就是喜歡這樣以共時構想2個人的關係。)

I should not let my anger expand more than it should have been.

I tell myself, I’ll stick with my values and beliefs, do not trespass others while not letting anyone trespass me.

Perfect timing for a prayer, too bad I’m not a Christian.  =T

It appears that we have reached the Edge, that zenith where stimuli and comatose collide. 40 years ago, The man proclaimed The Age of the Gross to be upon us, and even though The Man was destroying our heritage and insulting our intelligence, THAT ERA HAS BECOME VERY REAL. We labor for pleasure and abhor the guilt of pressure. My Generation will go down as the Architects of Contemporary Disgust. Some have fought and died, others have allowed the Strong to be butchered for a price they themselves don’t care about and will never understand. I myself am beleagured by the selfish force of A Kind of Man this is NOT MANKIND. Distrust in information - Fundamentalism of opinion - Catastrophic Boredom, and a Fanatical Devotion to that which DOES NOT MATTER. Where is your Glory now, people? Where are your Gods and politicians? Where is your Shame and Salvation? You Rage for no reason because you have no Reason. What have you ever FOUGHT for? What have you ever BLED for? The Face of the Earth is scarred with the walking Dead. The Age of the Gross is a Living Virus. This is the future  you have created. This is the world you have set ablaze.

ALL YOUR LIES ARE COMING TRUE.

ALL FREEDOM IS LOST.

ALL HOPE IS GONE.

Slipknot新碟《All Hope is Gone》嘅序言，明唔晒佢想講乜（the man proclaimed the age of the gross即係邊個？），但感受到那份urgency。

Bands I love and bands that I don’t mind listening to (in order of preference at the moment):

Vampire Weekend
Arcade Fire
The Suede
The Kooks
Gorillaz
The Killers
The Cranberries
Crystal Castles
Arctic Monkeys
Muse
The Teenagers
Pink Floyd
Kaiser Chiefs
Kings of Leon
My Chemical Romance

Sorry，繼續馬拉，因為實在太多人get唔到。

她的幽默以及她的可笑，盡在這條短片中，剪得實在很好，都是我如此這般歡喜她的原因。

The worse the times are, the more we need a diva!

可是馬拉的海豚叫比鸚鵡面臨宰割前的嗌救命還要高音。

見她手上的charmbracelet及trademark蝴蝶戒指，片段應該是02/03年出品。

某年法國Eurobest歌唱比賽，邀得馬拉跟4位決賽者合唱幾首經典。

一開首唱〈My All〉的女參賽者表現出色，〈Heartbreaker〉變成男版更見驚喜。

惟獨到2分50秒，1位扮Il Divo男生加opera女生合唱〈Hero〉卻有點甩轆，男的入唔切，女的甩嘴，高音位都相當勉強。此時，身為特別嘉賓的馬拉，終於忍唔住發功喇！

2分57秒，opera女高音牽牛上樹，馬拉使出殺手鐧怒爆殺狗高音足足10秒，問你死未！加上女神甫士，不但將2位參賽者於不顧，更完全陶醉於自創的canine language之中。真係唔知佢想幫拖、轉移視線定點！